Third.

No one likes to be alone. No one should, anyway. I know I don't. And for the last little while, I haven't felt alone. For the first time in over a year, I didn't feel alone.
And now, I can barely breathe. Because as quickly as someone walked into my life, changed how I felt and started to make me think that, hey, I could end up alright, they walked out again. And while there's an implication that they might come back, if I wait long enough, and we can make things work, I'm starting to think that maybe they won't. Or can't.
I know I can't wait forever, even though right now I feel like I could. Is it because of how much they matter, and how much I want this to work .. or how much I need it to work. What is it that I'm holding onto? Them, or the idea of them? On the outside, it may look like the latter is the more likely. And maybe it is. At first, I was worried it might be. But if it were, songs wouldn't remind me of them for the reasons they do. Certain words wouldn't bring back little memories. Moments that right then might not have felt significant, but now .. they're everything.
I was okay at first. I went to bed, comfortable with the idea, thinking of the possibilities this might create for a future. I was going to be okay. Then the morning came, and everything set in, and it hit me like a plane crash. Maybe it shouldn't affect me the way it does, considering we hadn't been together especially long. Maybe it's because everything is still up in the air. For the first time, I have no idea what will happen. But as usual, I'm thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking to the point where I throw myself into such a state of panic and anxiety that someone has to scream at me in order for me to be able to place a coherent thought that doesn't involve .. him. Apparently this will give me a chance to get to know myself again, whatever that means. I've been battling serious depression all my life, talking about myself constantly to one person or another with a psych degree, and there's a worry that I don't know myself? I know I'll come to accept it eventually, and be able to figure out the things I need to figure out in this time apart. And who knows? Hopefully we do work things out. But in the mean time, I have to take some time to learn what it's like to be by myself. Learn what it's like to be alone.
I don't want to be alone. But what's more than that, I don't want to be without him.