Fourth.

Was this supposed to get easier with time? A text message or two every day. Something I got so unbearably used to that now those little, sometimes one or two word messages suddenly mean everything. Now that they're gone, they mean the world to me. And a ten minute phone call after a week didn't make that any better.
What am I supposed to do? I'm not the patient type, and I thought that I could be in a moment where it mattered. But I can't. I want this to be figured out, now. One way or another, I need to know. I think the fact that I don't know what's going on is making it worse. I'm stressed, I'm lonely, and I'm already worn down. I'm literally making myself sick. I'm dizzy, I get headaches, I'm exhausted, and it's because of how ridiculously emotional this has made me. Like .. how am I supposed to know how to react? How am I supposed to know what to do? Text, don't text, call, don't call, think this, think that, assume this, keep an open mind about that, it's not fair.
How is this supposed to work, if we can't communicate? How is this supposed to work, if he can't trust me?
I'm terrified. I'm completely terrified that I'm going to lose him, that this is going to end just like this. It doesn't make sense. After all that time, and all that build up, and after the huge risk we both took to get to this spot, and it's over?
No. That's so ridiculous. "If you love someone, you should at least try." Those are the exact words he used. Long before we were anywhere near anything serious. And this is me trying. I'm trying my hardest to be patient and understanding and "gracious". But it's really, really difficult. I don't have any clue as to what he's thinking. No idea as to what he wants, or expects. Because to be honest, I can't allow myself to wait longer than the summer. While I wish I could wait forever, I know that I can't. It's not healthy, it's not fair and it's not the decision I know I'm going to have to make. Do I think we'll get back together? I'm hoping. I'm hoping and praying(?) with everything I've got that he'll figure something out, whether it's what he planned on figuring out to begin with, or that whatever he needs to figure out, he wants to do it with me.
But do I think it will happen?
I really don't know. There are hints and clues that could go both ways. Something he said or didn't say, did or didn't do. Something I did. Or said. Or couldn't say. Or said too much. There are so many things that I can't stop thinking about, and I know that that's part of the reason why I'm freaking out so much. But I can't help it.
I've thought about him everyday for the last four years. Why stop now?
God, what am I getting myself into?