Fourth.

Was this supposed to get easier with time? A text message or two every day. Something I got so unbearably used to that now those little, sometimes one or two word messages suddenly mean everything. Now that they're gone, they mean the world to me. And a ten minute phone call after a week didn't make that any better.
What am I supposed to do? I'm not the patient type, and I thought that I could be in a moment where it mattered. But I can't. I want this to be figured out, now. One way or another, I need to know. I think the fact that I don't know what's going on is making it worse. I'm stressed, I'm lonely, and I'm already worn down. I'm literally making myself sick. I'm dizzy, I get headaches, I'm exhausted, and it's because of how ridiculously emotional this has made me. Like .. how am I supposed to know how to react? How am I supposed to know what to do? Text, don't text, call, don't call, think this, think that, assume this, keep an open mind about that, it's not fair.
How is this supposed to work, if we can't communicate? How is this supposed to work, if he can't trust me?
I'm terrified. I'm completely terrified that I'm going to lose him, that this is going to end just like this. It doesn't make sense. After all that time, and all that build up, and after the huge risk we both took to get to this spot, and it's over?
No. That's so ridiculous. "If you love someone, you should at least try." Those are the exact words he used. Long before we were anywhere near anything serious. And this is me trying. I'm trying my hardest to be patient and understanding and "gracious". But it's really, really difficult. I don't have any clue as to what he's thinking. No idea as to what he wants, or expects. Because to be honest, I can't allow myself to wait longer than the summer. While I wish I could wait forever, I know that I can't. It's not healthy, it's not fair and it's not the decision I know I'm going to have to make. Do I think we'll get back together? I'm hoping. I'm hoping and praying(?) with everything I've got that he'll figure something out, whether it's what he planned on figuring out to begin with, or that whatever he needs to figure out, he wants to do it with me.
But do I think it will happen?
I really don't know. There are hints and clues that could go both ways. Something he said or didn't say, did or didn't do. Something I did. Or said. Or couldn't say. Or said too much. There are so many things that I can't stop thinking about, and I know that that's part of the reason why I'm freaking out so much. But I can't help it.
I've thought about him everyday for the last four years. Why stop now?
God, what am I getting myself into?

Third.

No one likes to be alone. No one should, anyway. I know I don't. And for the last little while, I haven't felt alone. For the first time in over a year, I didn't feel alone.
And now, I can barely breathe. Because as quickly as someone walked into my life, changed how I felt and started to make me think that, hey, I could end up alright, they walked out again. And while there's an implication that they might come back, if I wait long enough, and we can make things work, I'm starting to think that maybe they won't. Or can't.
I know I can't wait forever, even though right now I feel like I could. Is it because of how much they matter, and how much I want this to work .. or how much I need it to work. What is it that I'm holding onto? Them, or the idea of them? On the outside, it may look like the latter is the more likely. And maybe it is. At first, I was worried it might be. But if it were, songs wouldn't remind me of them for the reasons they do. Certain words wouldn't bring back little memories. Moments that right then might not have felt significant, but now .. they're everything.
I was okay at first. I went to bed, comfortable with the idea, thinking of the possibilities this might create for a future. I was going to be okay. Then the morning came, and everything set in, and it hit me like a plane crash. Maybe it shouldn't affect me the way it does, considering we hadn't been together especially long. Maybe it's because everything is still up in the air. For the first time, I have no idea what will happen. But as usual, I'm thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking to the point where I throw myself into such a state of panic and anxiety that someone has to scream at me in order for me to be able to place a coherent thought that doesn't involve .. him. Apparently this will give me a chance to get to know myself again, whatever that means. I've been battling serious depression all my life, talking about myself constantly to one person or another with a psych degree, and there's a worry that I don't know myself? I know I'll come to accept it eventually, and be able to figure out the things I need to figure out in this time apart. And who knows? Hopefully we do work things out. But in the mean time, I have to take some time to learn what it's like to be by myself. Learn what it's like to be alone.
I don't want to be alone. But what's more than that, I don't want to be without him.

Second.

I'm not a "Daddy's Girl." Well, I suppose we have our moments here and there. But he forgets about me. He forgets about a lot of things. He concentrates on one path, and stays so caught up in his own little brain that he doesn't pay attention to the rest of the world, and what they might need. He loves me. But he wants to be in control. He's always been that way. Has to be the boss, has to make the cuts, has to decide who does what, has to make the rules. And if they're not followed, he needs to do whatever he feels he needs to do to make you understand that you're smaller. You don't have as much power.
There are moments where my heart breaks for him. Because of his destructive relationships, he pushes people away, and he becomes lonely. And then he seems like a little boy who's lost his way, and there's absolutely nothing I can do. I love him dearly. He means so much to me. But he drives me absolutely insane. He hates that we're growing up. He always talks about how he's lost me. What he doesn't understand is that that isn't necessarily because I'm getting older. It's because with my age, I come to understand what it is he does more and more, and I don't like it. She's not good to him, that's obvious. But he doesn't treat her well most of the time either.
I was having this discussion with my mother the other day; I don't think I could see my father with anyone who he wouldn't fight with. I think about Dad leaving my step-mom all the time, and how there wouldn't be any fighting anymore. But then I think about the last few years and how he hasn't been alone in a long time. He was alone for so long, and the thought of him sitting by himself in a living room, with no one to spend time with, his children with his ex-wife, after having been with someone all the time for so long absolutely chatters me. It would break him. And then I think, well, he might find someone else. But then the whole process would start all over again, they would still fight all the time, and I'd be sitting where I am now in a few years from now. And I mean, he's not exactly young anymore. What happens if they split up, and then that's it? He never finds anyone else. I don't know what he'd do. So, in a lot of ways, I want them to stay together. Because I don't think I could bear the thought of him being lonely, or sad. He says he's happy with his life. Sometimes, I just have to swallow my pride even in the moments where I know he's being an idiot, or clueless, or irresponsible, or mean, or controlling and just be there for him. Because I do love him. And we have more than occasional moments of father/daughter bonding. He can be gentle, and sweet and supportive when he wants to be.
But sometimes, I hate him.
Sometimes, I feel like I never want to see him again, because he's not being my Dad.
He's being my father.
I hope he ends up okay.
I love you, Dad.