Three weeks. Three weeks where I have been drunk every weekend, sitting around feeling lost and empty, and three weeks in which so much has changed. School is over. Grade 12 is officially over, and everyone that seemed to mean anything to me is moving on. But it's not that I'm going too. I'm getting left behind. If we were all going somewhere new, that would be different. If I was going too. Instead I get to stick around for another year, still feel like I'm 16 and feel sorry for myself as everyone else starts to read the next chapter of their lives. They're getting an education I don't have, they're meeting people I don't know, they're experiencing things that I don't understand yet, but if I was experiencing I'd probably understand more than anyone else would. One of my best friends is moving. She's not going far, I'll still see her all the time, but it's the house. It's been my second home for three years, a place where all the girls had all of our memories. And I will never be able to go back.
And then, of course, there's him. I don't even want to go there today. Went there yesterday, and the day before, and all the days before and look how that went.
So much is changing.
I've always thought I was good with change, and it's true, I always have been. I'm accepting, I'm able to move on and live my life as best I can. But this is all too much. I don't want to lose everyone. Even the people I barely know I want to keep here, with me. Just for another year. Let's all just stay here in high school for one more year. Say all the things we wanted to, do all the things we wanted to, act on all of our feelings and instincts and have some closure. I feel like I don't have closure for anything and in so many ways. How I feel about some of my friends. How I really feel about the people that surround me. And the ones who don't. The ones who walked away.
I'm drinking a little too much. Just the last little while. Since the beginning of June I have been to eight parties. All of which, I was intoxicated. That's not who I am. That's never been who I am. I almost did something a couple nights ago I would have desperately regretted for so many reasons. The most prominent one being ...
Nope. Not going there. Not today.
I just need to go somewhere. Alone. I mean, people say that it's better to feel alone surrounded by people supporting you than it is to feel alone and you're, well, alone. But I think it's what I need. Get away for a little while, think, write, create. Get all of my thoughts into some kind of order so that I can make better decisions when I come back. I guess that's what I'll do. Go away for a while. I'll walk away too. Go ahead, stay away. Maybe I'm better off, you know? Take your confusion, and your anxiety and all the things you need to figure out and just go. Because this hurts too much. You wanna go so bad? Than don't lead me on, just go.
Only .. make sure you come back as soon as you can.
No. Not gonna go there. At least .. not today.
